The Best of Letterman's Top Ten Lists

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. “Read My Lips — No New Interns”

9. “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”

8. “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”

7. “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”

6. “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”

5. “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”

4. “Still Not Indicted As Of Early ’99!”

3. “From Perjury To Albany”

2. “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It”

1. “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back To Arkansas”

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Internet Screen Names
10. Soon2BeSingle

9. NoDNAHere

8. CarpetBagger99

7. 2Powerful2Go2Jail

6. BiteMeTipper



3. RudySux

2. I’veNeverHeldElectedOfficeOrSetFootInNewYorkButIStillHaveTheGallToRun4Senator

1. Secrets2China

Top Ten Skeletons In George W. Bush’s Closet
10. Fathered half the players at this year’s Wimbledon.

9. Once killed a Lenscrafter clerk when his glasses weren’t ready in about an hour.

8. The “W” Stands for “Winky.”

7. In 1988 told dad, “I think Quayle would make a great vice president.”

6. He’s also married to Barbara Bush.

5. On April 9, 1968 actually had an opinion.

4. Calls brother Jeb “the one with the hick name.”

3. Recovering “Opraholic.”

2. From 1986 to 1991: Nothing but Nintendo and hookers.

1. Borrowed a skeleton from a local museum, put it in his closet, never returned it.

Top Ten People We’re Pretty Sure Aren’t Deep Throat
10. Meryl Streep

9. Rod Stewart

8. Poppin’ Fresh Doughboy

7. Chong (could be Cheech)

6. The dead guy on the subway

5. Anybody who’s ever used the word “Funkalicious”

4. Benedict Arnold

3. Football legend O.J. Simpson — he’s just not the type to get mixed up in any cloak and dagger stuff

2. The gay Teletubby

1. Deepak Chopra

Top Ten Signs You’re in Love with The President
10. Just to be like him you balloon up to 300 pounds.

9. Your’re perfectly content to be mistress number 1

8. On your White House internship application, you list your goals as “doin’it.”

7. You boycott Hallmark store for not having a “Sorry You May Be Impeached” section.

6. Your website: http://www.tubby-lovin’

5. You’ve memorized the words to every one of his denials.

4. Your last major crush Nixon.

3. You’ve taped every one of his episodes on “Hee Haw.”

2. The enthusiastic way you say, “Welcome to Hooters, Mr. President.”

1. You find him guilty of being adorable.

Top Ten Other Monica Lewinsky Nicknames
10. Puffy the Intern Slayer

9. Sheriff Bubba

8. The Chief Sexecutive

7. Unnamed High-Ranking Official

6. My Sweet Impeachable You

5. The Little Rock Rascal

4. El Presidente del Armor

3. Tubby Dearest

2. Commander-in-Briefs

1. Free Willie 2

Top Ten White House Jobs That Sound Dirty
10. Polishing the Presidential Podium.

9. Unwrapping the Big Mac

8. Taking Buddy for a walk

7. Handling the hotline

6. Vacuuming under the Oval Office desk

5. Waxing Air Force One

4. Shaking hands with the French Ambassador

3. Giving the President an oral briefing

2. Taking dictation

1. Polling

Top Ten Questions Clinton will be asked at his sexual harassment deposition
10. Would you please put your pants back on?

9. Why do you giggle when you hear the word subpoena?

8. Mr. President, could you put away the GameBoy?

7. Would you please take your hand off my thigh?

6. True or false: you own a pair of boxer shorts that read, Home of the Washington Monument.”

5. Could you repeat that when you finish chewing?

4. Explain this (Video tape of Bill & Hillary dancing in their swimming suits)

3. What exactly is ‘Pants Force One?

2. Can you explain this room service charge for three gallons of mayonnaise?

1. Did somebody say McDonald’s?

Top Ten Signs There’s Trouble in the Barbie and Ken Marriage
10. Ken overheard at bar saying he’d like to find “a woman with bendable elbows.”

9. Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking.

8. After sex, she said, “You ain’t exactly Stretch Armstrong.”

7. Ken’s extensive collection of gay porn.

6. While Ken’s asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor’s dog will chew him to shreds and bury him.

5. They’re arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies.

4. She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures.

3. He’s been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty.

2. Personal ad reads, “Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy.”

1. Lewinsky!

Top Ten Martha Stewart’s Worst Tips For Living
10. If you notice a guest using the “wrong” fork, pick up the “right” fork and jam it into his head

9. Heavily sedated pets make unusual centerpieces

8. Add glitter to every damn thing you own

7. Nothing spruces up bathroom like potpourri & a stack of wrestling magazines

6. Kick off your O.J. dinner party by having Johnnie Cochran lie about what’s in the chili

5. Old gym shorts stuffed with cat hair make great throw pillows

4. To liven up a “black tie only” affair, wear only a black tie

3. You want livin’? Take a Big Mac, coat with butter, then refry the bastard

2. Household putty is an excellent way to fill embarrassing gap between teeth

1. To enliven any salad try eating it while hanging by your hair

Top Ten Other Disney World Attractions Being Closed for Renovations
10. It’s a Small, Vermin-infested World

9. The Lion King’s Litter Box

8. Mickey’s “Loose Bolts” Roller Coaster

7. Spinning Tea Cups Full of Scalding Coffee

6. 101 Dalmatians Get Spayed and Neutered

5. The Country Bear “When Animals Attack” Jamboree

4. Computer Software Pirates of the Carribean

3. Journey through Goofy’s Pancreas

2. Hall of Presidents of the Hair Club for Men

1. Robert Downey Jr.’s Wild Ride

Top Ten Things That Would Be Different if Clinton Had Been Our First President
10. Instead of “President,” highest office in the land is called, “Burger King “

9. Indiana and Ohio known as “East and West Bubbaland”

8. Preamble to Constitution contains 23 references to cheese fries

7. His early morning jogs would have been enough to scare off the entire Indian population

6. The first amendment: “You have the right to get, like, totally stoned”

5. Schoolchildren learn about how Clinton chopped down a cherry tree, then ate it

4. The term “Father of Our Country” would have an entirely different meaning

3. Instead of man wearing powdered wig, dollar bill features man holding powdered donut

2. Washington Monument would be anatomically correct

1. Our natio
nal bird: the Chicken McNugget

Top Ten Signs Your Wife is Having an Affair with the President
10. Her new perfume smells like Special Sauce

9. Suddenly, your thighs aren’t pasty-white enough for her

8. She’s been paying for groceries with fat rolls of Indonesian currency

7. During State of the Union address, you catch her licking the TV screen

6. Whenever she sees Paula Jones, she snarls, “He’s mine, bitch!”

5. For Valentine’s Day she gives you little bottles of shampoo from the D.C. Marriott

4. During sex, she accidentally screams out, “Tubby!”

3. Every night at 10 o’clock, two Secret Service guys come into your bedroom and shoot you with tranquilizer darts

2. Your name: Billy. Title of the President’s last speech: “Hey, Billy, I’m nailing your wife”

1. She’s a female citizen of the United States of America

Top Ten Things Overheard During `Celebrity Jeopardy’
10. I’ll take `Questions So Easy Even a Celebrity Has a Chance’ for $1,000, Alex

9. Nobody’s buzzing in — Robert Downey Jr. just fell asleep on the button

8. Pamela Anderson sure knows her 18th century European statesmen

7. I’m sorry, Mr. Brando, but your answer must be in the form of the English language

6. That’s incorrect — but we’ll give you the points anyway, O.J.

5. For the last time, Mr. Sajak, you cannot buy a vowel

4. It doesn’t seem fair to have an `Overweight Drunks’ category the same night Ted Kennedy is on

3. Ms. Parton, you give new meaning to the phrase `Daily Double’

2. Somebody ought to tell Charlie Sheen to stop hitting on Ellen DeGeneres

1. Oh my God — it’s the ghost of Paul Lynde, and he’s demanding to be center square!

Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Getting Into College
10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot

9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald’s uniform

8. After four years of Spanish, you still can’t place an order at Taco Bell

7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers

6. Your list of school activities includes words “Comet Hale-Bopp” and “castration”

5. You tell admissions officer you’re looking forward to “some good, honest book-larnin'”

4. Instead of application, you send in a Where’s Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled

3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: “Glue-Sniffin’ Eddie”

2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black

1. Your classmates voted you “Least Likely to Get into College”

Top Ten Signs You’re at a Bad Camp
10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle

9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms

8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull

7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits

6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and say, “Bon appetit, you little bastards!”

5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets

4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a giant mosquito

3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding

2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson

1. Camp motto: remember Waco

Top Ten Other Changes President Clinton Has Made at the White House
10. Alarm outside bedroom sounds when Hillary is approaching

9. Pillars on front porch replaced by Golden Arches

8. On front lawn, enormous marble statue of Clinton with his pants around his ankles

7. White House tour now clothing optional

6. New state of the art gym in case Tubby ever gets off his fat ass

5. Sound-proofing to block noise of George Washington spinning in his grave

4. New passcode: One knock for hookers, two knocks for pizza

3. All furniture now stuffed with shredded Whitewater documents

2. New sign: “If this Oval Office is rockin’, don’t come knockin'”

1. Hot and cold running gravy

Top Ten Good Things About Rooming With the President’s Daughter
10. Bitchin’ motorcade from history class to language lab

9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross

8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium

7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer

6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad’s “special” brownies

5. You become fourth in line for Presidency

4. At some point, you find yourself playing “quarters” with Ted Kennedy

3. When ordering from Domino’s, you can take advantage of the President’s volume discount

2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped around by Janet Reno

1. Somehow, you’re not so embarrassed about your own father

Top Ten Things You Don’t Want to Hear on Your First Day of School
10. I’m guessing you didn’t spend the summer at fat camp

9. The new wood shop teacher has even fewer fingers than the last guy

8. Hi. I’m the most beautiful girl in the school and I won’t be going out with you again this year

7. Let’s begin Phys. Ed. by covering the basic rules of grab ass”

6. Tell us what it’s like to be the only virgin in Sex Ed. class

5. The creepy janitor’s got a cardboard cutout of you in the boiler room

4. Did you see the principal on ’60 Minutes’ last week?

3. Let’s pretend the falling flakes of asbestos are snow

2. My name is Mrs. Rosenblum — you may remember me from last year as Mr. Rosenblum

1. I’m your homeroom teacher, Mr. Hitler

Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Santa Claus
10. She refers to your bed as “Santa’s Workshop”.

9. An elf comes by the house to drop off a pair of her earrings.

8. Your new baby has white hair and a beard.

7. She smells like a combination of peppermints sticks and reindeerchow.

6. Instead of mailing your children’s letters to Santa, she juststuffs themin her bra.

5. Paramedics need jaws of life to get the two of them out of yourchimney.

4. Lately, she’s been commuting to work in a flying sled.

3. She keeps saying, “Not tonight — visions of sugarplums are dancingin myhead.”

2. For Christmas, your kids receive something called, “TheYour-Daddy-SucksDoll”.

1. During sex she shouts, “Ho, ho, ho!”

Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today
10. “Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They’re still using it!”

9. “Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn’t such a bad idea after all…”

8. “Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines”

7. “That’s odd — in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond”

6. “So that’s the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams”

5. “Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square”

4. “We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!”

3. “Back in our time there certainly wasn’t anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin”

2. “He did what in the Oval Office?”

1. “Screw this, we’re going to Canada”

Top Ten Ways The Wizard of Oz Would Be Different if it Were Made Today
10. Grisly scene in which Dorothy blasts flying monkeys out of the sky
with an uzi

9. Katie bar the door! There’s a giant asteroid headed straight for Oz!

8. Dorothy steps outside and says, “Like, this is so not Kansas!”

7. Instead of “oil,” tin man moans, “Viagra”

6. Kathie Lee Gifford plays Dorothy — audience roots for witch

5. It would be named “Twister II”

4. To prepare for his role as the Scarecrow, DeNiro would have his brain removed

3. Lovable dog Toto replaced by lovable droid T.O.T.O.

2. Lions and tigers and bears, oh sh**!

1. New title — “Wiz Got Game”

Top Ten Signs You’ve Hired A Bad Easter Bunny
10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate

9. Not really a hop — more of a drug impaired stumble

8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos

7. Keeps saying, “Jesus? No doesn’t ring a bell…”

6. He’s been wearing the suit since November

5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes

4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter

3. He’s wearing a yarmulke

2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won’t rat you out to the New York Post

1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston

Top Ten Most Popular Shows at the Vatican
10. “Friends…Of The Lord”

9. “World’s Scariest Popemobile Chases”

8. “Kids Say The Darndest Things and as a Result Go To Hell”

7. “Platonic Love Boat”

6. “Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee”

5. “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake”

4. “Beverly Hills IXOCCX”

3. “Everybody Loves Praying”

2. “Virgin Mary Tyler Moore”

1. “M*A*S*S”

Top Ten Things Overheard Outside “The Da Vinci Code”
10. “So what other movies has Da Vinci done?”

9. “Would Jesus prefer Good & Plenty or Raisinets?”

8. “I’ve seen a fair number of codes in my day, but that was the Da Vinciest!”

7. “I couldn’t see anything over the Pope’s crazy hat”

6. “They want us to believe fishsticks were served at the last super?”

5. “Can I get a discounted ticket if my name is Vince?”

4. “Nine bucks a ticket, now that’s blasphemy – – am I right, people?”

3. “They could have done without the cameo by Larry the Cable Guy”

2. “Are you sure L. Ron Hubbard didn’t have anything to do with this?”

1. “One senior citizen ticket, Mr. Letterman?”

About Wright Flyer Guy

Darin is a single adoptive father, a teacher, playwright, and musical theatre director from Kettering, Ohio.
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